angelica, the spirit of a moth

by hollow hymns

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04:27
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03:19
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03:09
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02:46
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04:50
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01:28
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02:08

about

a collection of songs for angelica, a moth friend i probably killed.
im very sorry and i hope they get better soon.
all songs written/recorded by heather, from july to january.

these songs mean a lot to me and i hope they speak to you as well. thank you to all my friends & anyone who listens for all the support <3

this albums now out on most streaming services so if you can, check it out there as well!

credits

released February 15, 2017

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

hollow hymns Crystal Lake, Illinois

Heather Alice Crawford

sad vibes from a transgender 18 yr old mint goth snake. i sing + play guitar and keyboard.

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Track Name: i know you arent worthless
mother will you forgive me?
i take back everything
i dont know who to trust anymore

and all those things you did for me
have come to mind in clarity
intention speaks more than guilt


and i know you arent worthless


and father will you please stay clean?
i dont want anything
it means so much more to me

it wont taste good until you quit
the time you have is ticking now
its all just avoidable regret


and i know you arent worthless
Track Name: your abuser
your father called me last night
i couldnt pick it up
im too scared of
what he has to say to me

i just wanted to give you
something i only dreamed of
its not okay
its the memory that lives on

but im never going to be the same
cause i still remember the way we talked
and you are never going to see me the same
cause im so aggressive
i am your abuser

and i just want to see you
being happy again
but i guess its
too much for me to be with you

and thats okay
im not hurt at all
its not right
but its the better way out
Track Name: angelica angelic
angelica angelic
bless my messy soul
take me away
to where it matters most

angelica angelic
you mean the world to me
your scattered wings, your dirty hair
and every word youve ever said to me


angelica angelic
breathe with me
Track Name: the spirit of a moth
it was a week
into the new year
i became another soul
i felt the pain
it was awakening
i hated her i hated her

dont let me see it
the bottle around your neck
the sprit of a moth
Track Name: talent
i feel your words on me at night
but i know that you speak with teeth on skin
and my life falls through the cracks of your hands
too often to know that you do care
in my eyes and in my brain i feel so much more
than the truth that i refuse

and i know
that it takes
talent to be you
but i am
hearing you
through the smoke in your lungs

i set destruction to everything i touch
and ive touched you millions of times
so i see the damage that i have done
red tendrils on your beautiful eyes
that you feel every time you wake up in the night
cold sweats from the love that we have spilled

(but flowers still sprout from your lips in to mine)
Track Name: ties
im not afraid of you anymore
the scariest part of it is convincing myself that
i dont need to be so obscure
but its the only thing that makes me feel like im remotely safe

this fucked up reality that i cant face
its breaking me, and bleeding me out
i feel like my body was left on the
side of the road



im giving my life up
i dont need it anymore with you
its not worth the pain i feel
oooo

i know that ill be
better off with all the ties cut off
finally giving something
that i wont regret
Track Name: since youve been gone
since youve been gone its been so hard
ive been trying to keep clean

from the thought of your smile
and your pretty face thats burnt

into my mind and these fucking marks
they wont go away unless

i lie to myself and say
that you will still be there

waiting for me on the other side
but its not something

that i believe in but its a nice thought
every once in a while


cause its not a dream or something that
i ever want to remember again

but its a feeling that comes back to me
when im reopening my wounds

for the fourth time that week and its making me
so fucking sick this sinking feeling

that im giving something that everyone
resents


but it comes back to me
but it always comes back
Track Name: inside
i feel trapped inside your body
and every moment ive spent inside
they burn like alcoholic trips to the supermarket
and i dont know if ill heal

i wanna feel okay again
content inside and liquified
dreams withheld and desires light the wick inside my head
it wont make sense



i try to open up
speak the words, ill feel better
anything to get this feeling away

it doesnt mean anything
speak the words, youll feel better
imagine that you made a difference



i know in your eyes im a monster
so tell the world how you feel
you treated me just the same, you have no right to complain
please talk to me

if you could only see inside me
youd know i only meant the best
solutions live inside dim lights and door alarms
i cant ever leave
Track Name: the deepest parts of me
are we allowed to talk about it?
maybe one day ill blog about it
i think ive typed your name a thousand times

i feel your presence on me
while im calling her "so pretty"
greens a color thats suited you so long


i dont wanna go back
its something i cant face
you wont like me here
its a place ive forgotten


its a part inside my dreams
its something that makes me feel
unlike everything else except for you

ive made you the center of me
you fucked the deepest parts of me
but you dont give a damn anymore


are we allowed to talk about how
i still feel your presence on me
its a part inside my dreams
that ive made you the center of me

maybe one day ill blog about it
while im calling her "so pretty"
its something that makes me feel like
you fucked the deepest parts of me
Track Name: "im okay im okay im okay"
"im okay im okay im okay"
take her word for it, im sure she means it.
i couldnt have hurt her that bad;
i dont believe it
but i need to
so i can move on.

"_______________"
thats what she says to me at 3:46 am on
wednesday august 31st, 2016
friday february 13th, 2015
wednesday december 26th, 2012.
injuries searing from the calendar
in ways i never thought imaginable.

"im okay im okay im okay"
she was serializations of
cowardly, domesticated,
completely realized
and fully unopposed
nightmares born reality;
she wasnt really strong enough.

"_______________"
and i knew as i heard the stories
from the people who replaced her memories
that the text i received from her that night
was proof in its purest form
that she was shit-faced, fucked up,
detrimental and destructive -
and going through hell.
and all i could do
was make everything worse.

and god
god did i make everything worse
with every invitation
open wound
comforting smile
i made it worse

and god
god do i wish i could stitch the time together
god do i wish i could feel her skin
i wish i could feel her pain
Track Name: cursed eyes
i wanna fall asleep
with you at the wheel
i wanna make art with you

maroon lips
and old fashioned clothing
dont take me to museums

a sour taste
milk one month expired
it feels like an occupation

a posted message
for all of my friends
taken down two years ago


i grew up, i promise
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up,
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up


a taste of death from your faucet inside my kitchen
never telling me why you lashed out at me and left illinois

and drove out for hours and hours without ever telling anyone
where you were or who you were with or if you were even still breathing

and days and months and years passed and i still cant think of a good
single fuckin reason why; it doesnt make any sense to me


i grew up, i promise
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up,
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up
youre a tigger, cursed set of eyes
i dont need you staring at me
take a break, i grew up


but it seems like you made the right choice
Track Name: garage rock fuck up
come home from work
take off your shoes
drink another beer
slam your head against the wall

take another hit
off of ignorance
drown reality
until you cant taste the air


it doesnt matter to me
youve hurt your daughter too much
crying all through the night
too resistant to love

it doesnt matter to him
youve hurt your son enough
teased him all through the years
treated like a fuck up


run away again
from everything
material value
is the center of desire

so kill the fuck out of us
it doesnt matter to you
not like it should anyway
its not like i ever had you
Track Name: abandonment issues
i know im much more vulnerable
it doesnt take that much to break through my barriers
an unexpected blow
but it always feels so much heavier

i know im not staying after school
it takes someone thrown away to know how to hurt me
another instance of my own
in my dreams where i couldnt hurt myself as much

and why the hell should i message you?
ive only been your friend for ten fucking years
i couldnt give less of a shit
with mental illness and selfish reasons i cant bring myself to type
Track Name: take time
the first time i smoked i called in sick to work
the second time i called my mom
the last time i smoked i missed my family
i dont keep anything in my house

take time
to feel it out
it makes more sense

sudden barking at six fifteen
another nightmare about me
put down the screen it makes me bleed
i wanna feel like i can breathe

take time
to feel it out
it makes more sense

next time i see you youll be mad
at yourself for letting me hurt you
and next time i smoke ill feel better
about letting my life end

take time
to think about her
youll feel worse
Track Name: drain
i let the liquid drain from my face
i hope it will make it okay
i held my eyelids down
i turn the brightness down

i texted you at 2:30 AM
detoxed our brains and squeezed it out
god knows im trying to make it right
god knows there is no right

when did you notice the guilt was there?
or did you always talk to it
how much of it did you need
how much of you did i need?

did you feed off my pale heart
as i coughed it up that night
over the screen glow i knew too well
over the hell we believed in too well?


i wouldnt trust myself either
Track Name: needle
leave her alone, shes not what you need
shes already crying, please let her be

dont take her hand, dont touch her face
undoing her bra, its already too late

now youre inside and youre energetic
youre causing friction and its euphoric

when you awoke you werent inside her
laying on the floor, gripping the needle

you cant bring yourself to look in her eyes
cant face the regrets and all the sorrow

unload the car, spread all the trash
her bodys in the trunk, never looking back
Track Name: down the neck
get away from me
get away from me
i know that i need you
but i dont want to hurt you

do you remember the day you drove to my house
to get away from your mom
to get away from your mom

i was the second
person that day
to hold a knife to your neck

and you screamed,
"god, cut off my arms so i could never hold a knife to someones neck"


and i am not
giving myself any more responsibility
hhhh i am sorry
hhhh i am hurt
bleeding out your own blood in your own medicine cabinet


if you were to open your house to me again
what would it look like?
if i were you
i would have already rearranged the furniture
Track Name: a lullaby
trajectory
overt complacency
overcoming my body

take me
into the forestry
away from reality

softly spoken
a word thats been misplaced
the blood seeping in my veins


its not fair
to label it
as anything else

hinges on the door
mean nothing
the knob replaced